Disillusioned *revised*

Okay so this poem is very personal to me, it is as all poems are a work in progress. If you have any suggestions as to how this can be made more effective, or more clear, or just want to share your response good or bad, please do so. I feel I will be working on this one for quite some time before I will feel it is "finished." enjoy

Too much to say, I forgot where to start,
I know I need to wash clothes soon, but why?
dirty dishes need tending to, but I
have stains which need mending too.

Grow up, be a big boy and wear the pants
your fathers wore, hurry up and get a job son
or you'll surely end up poor; If I'd just had the chance
to get some perspective before I'd begun.

Sit down with the unmoved mover,
ask him why we must maintain,
a state of perfection before he'll maneuver
in the realm of our senses again.

Just a word, a glimpse, a sign
would surely be enough,
but when the only voice is mine,
my bias makes it tough

to hold an impartial view
of what life is meant to be for me,
and whether or not the same applies to you.

They say he walked the earth
for thirty three some odd years,
and they're awfully zealous that after birth
and death, came resurrection, a cure for mortal fears.

I've examined what they call evidence
and there's some compelling reasoning,
but it's tough to tell the difference
between inherent logic, and wishful thinking.

The latter clouded my judgment
so it seemed to all make sense,
I longed for a little contentment
so I put up a weak defense.

For now I'm fine with not knowing
what it is that makes up reality,
where we came from, where we're going,
and whether we'll ever know what it was meant to mean.


  1. i like this one...glad you're working on it.

    "the chance to get some perspective before I'd begun."

    mhmmm...that's what we all need.
    keep it up :)

  2. Wow, this is really good.

    "but when the only voice is mine,
    my bias makes it tough"

    Indeed, that makes things confusing.

    ps. I plan to read all of your previous posts, after my exams, in a month or so.
    pps. This poem is really deep.

  3. Yeah,

    i think i maybe read a previous version of this. Perhaps I'm in a different state of mind. But this really worked this time. I really like poems that don't feel the need for schemes, although some people can really write them well. For me this is straight cut lines, that are a dissection of your heart, feelings and wants. It moves and evolves. It's very good. I want to try and help, suggest something, but i can't. I really love the opening line - it sets the personal angle beautifully for the whole poem.

    well work on it more if you're not happy, you only know if the words don't quite hit the spot for what you want to say. I'd leave it.

    Sorry for the arse licking, not the literary constructive criticism, but i don't know much about that.


  4. Thanks for commenting on my blog~I'll be following you as well.

    I love this poem.. Most of it speaks for me as well.
    "unmotivated mover", lol, I think all Gemini's are alike in some ways...

    Keep writing, your way of description is unique!!


  5. I'm not so sure I'm content with not knowing what make sup reality, where were going and where we came from...


So...what did you think?